Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
