these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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