i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
