Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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