i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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