Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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