she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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