I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
