My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
