I feel like I'm in dance class right now
please come you make the beer taste better
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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