you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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