He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
