If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
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