She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
