and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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