Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
