It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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