The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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