I am puke
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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