mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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