Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
