got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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