On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You're so nebulous sometimes
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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