dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
