I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I yelled at your uterus for you.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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