And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
