nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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