This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
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He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
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Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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