i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
