I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
