My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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