Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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