Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
