I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
