And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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