He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
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And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
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My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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