You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
