Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
