I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
