I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
