where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
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I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
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He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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