he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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