The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Randomize
