so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
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Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
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I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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