you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
