I wish I only lived at night.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
