My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
please come you make the beer taste better
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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