ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
