so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
