okay pat passed out under dana's car
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
