i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
This is the high leading the old right now
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
