Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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