Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
