his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
