So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.