you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.