You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
what day is it and did you see me today?
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.