paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying