I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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