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• (440): View more from Ohio

  D3 body, D1 cock

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• (818): View more from California

  I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight

  Fav 1 859 2005

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• (314): View more from Missouri

  You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.

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• (310): View more from California

  You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...

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  Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags

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• (859): View more from Kentucky

  I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.

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• (904): View more from Florida

  Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.

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• (703): View more from Virginia

  He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.

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• (289): View more from Ontario

  You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.

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• (757): View more from Virginia

  Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.

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  21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers

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• (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole

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• (857): View more from Massachusetts

  His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.

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• (573): View more from Missouri

  Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"

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• (650): View more from California

  It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo

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• (206): View more from Washington

  Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.

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• (360): View more from Washington

  The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt

  (206): View more from Washington

  You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.

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