D3 body, D1 cock
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
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I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
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Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.