Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
