Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
