I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
