MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
