We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
